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2004-03-16 - 6:02 p.m. Laughter or Tears This may very well be a long entry, so please bear with me. It is kind of interesting. So, I have known for four days or so now that I will not be at the high school anymore. Mind you, I can complain about this place, and the students, and the hard work, but the fact is that this place has grown on me for some time now. When I found out, I was trying to get into shape again (for the Sports Festival, more on that in a minute), by walking. Rion, the HR manager from work, called me up, telling me that a Shane English school won the contracts for the high schools from the prefectural board of education. Their bid was lower, and there's nothing the company could do about it. When I got home, all I could do that night was go to my room and sit in the balcony, which barely had enough room for the chair I sat on, while listening to Billie Holiday. So I could never be in that school. Next week is it and that's that. I tried telling the English teachers about it, particularly Noguchi, she's really nice, but Abe as well, but I couldn't do it on Friday. I spent the whole time at my desk, reading War and Peace while shredding all my personal papers... and, accidently, some others as well. I just wanted to erase all of my presence, so that this new teacher from Shane won't have an inkling of who or what I am. Today was the second/final day of the sports festival at the high school. And I, armed with a camera and a smile, wanted to capture something of this school for myself. All the photographic momentos I got so far I can't look at because I really hate being in pictures. It reminds me of how fat I am. And I tried, but kept forgetting, and sometime near the end, I was lasoed into a teacher/student basketball game. One that I couldn't stay in even 15 minutes, or the first half. (PS. the second years we were playing against won.) After switching with another teacher, I laid myself out on the floor and played death, which on of the first years took as a invitation to take my pic. Did I already mention I hate having my picture taken? Long story short, after a lot of me chasing her so that I could delete the pictures she took of me... and that was a lot of tired chasing on my part, I gave up. I started laughing then, but, somehow, I started crying as well. I think they were tears of frustation, first. Vexation, as War and Peace sometimes said, but spelled better. So, while laughing and crying at the same time, the students were confused. They took pics of my flushed, blotching, laughing/crying/overexerted face, while at the same time, asking me why I was crying. At the time, I seriously didn't know. I told them, as I tried to wipe away my tears, which didn't feel like tears of joy or laughter, that I won't be there next year. That, and the fact that I was crying, spread through the classes, and I'm sure everyone knows. Noguchi, at the end of role-taking, which was after the festival, sat next to me and said she was worried that the students were teasing me earlier. I told her what I told the students, with a lot more details, because I can't say 'bid' in Japanese, nor do I think the students would care. I wonder if she was upset at all. As upset as I feel, anyway. Andrea, my housemate, also teaches at high schools. I think she's determined not to be removed from the two schools she goes to each week. She sent me an email about her plans with Shane, and I'm not sure what to do about it all. In any case, if everything goes the way it is going now, then I have about a week left. I have two 40-minute classes on Friday, where I'll be teaching on my own (I am more nervous about this than anything), and the graduation next Wednesday. In any case, I don't know if I'm willing to do anything to stay at this school. Andrea's plan probably involves severing off from the company we're employed at the moment. It will involve moving and other things, and unless this Shane can provide me with shelter and a car... or shelter close enough to the school for me to walk there, then I don't know what to do. Just cry while laughing at my own stupidity for crying, I guess. The Past - Guestbook - The Future, Too |