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2004-03-01 - 7:45 p.m. Cursed in Friendship, Blessed in Drawing. Maybe. This has been kind of in the back of my mind since my last major bout with PMS. (And it was a tough match, that January, since PMS is bigger and more emotional than I am... which is a lot, by the way.) But thank God PMS didn't give me a present for my birthday. That was awesome of it. Anyway, this thought is: I am a selfish, terrible, egotistical, chonically needy, whiny Pisces. I suddenly remembered it after back-reading some of Pam's recent updates. But, yes, I think that I am a terribly self-centered person. It's a sad thought, but PMS has a way of making all the terrible things you ignore bang itself against your skull in a big, soppy mess until you say, 'OKAY! I get it! Stop it!' What's more, to add to my aforementioned, uh, flaws (that's a nice way to put it, heh?), I'm a very friendless person. Wait, that came out wrong. Since coming here, I've realized that I can count all my friends on one hand, literally. 'Friends' as in people that know too much about me, and, as such, I feel both compelled to complain about old shit that they already know all about and, at the same time, to not complain about all that old shit because they've already know all about it and I'll feel bad for boring them that way. Friends as in people I would do anything for if they ask. (You know, the 'I'll Be There', 'You've Got a Friend' sort of way.) At least I think I would... or like to think that I would. I am a selfish, self-centered person. But five friends. That's actually pretty average for me. Not to say that I don't know people, but these five let me hang out with them, and I like to. (I seriously can't believe I only have five friends.) Unfortunately, I have the worse luck with friendships. (I think it's me.) Not once have I had a best friend. And every single friendship I have ever had had a shelf life of about 3 years, give or take (mostly take). If I'm being honest with myself, I would say that things like this happen all the time. People grow, change, move away. I'm still young, and kind of pretty too (that's the ego, heh), and I'll have plenty of time to find more friends, heck, even a best friend, and some day, some day, I'll be able to count all my friends on TWO hands. But then I hear about how all my friends have best friends that they had since fucking kindergarden (that age where I was practicing my isolated air, playing by myself because no one wanted me around... at least that's what I thought then). But then I see my mother, and realize that her friendships always end up in major Bitch-ville. (To be truthful, I never have a clue why her friendships always go sour. I've only recently started to think as my mom as a person, as opposed to my big scary Mother.) But then I see myself, unable to be properly friendly to people, to be lively and enthusiatic around company, how can't even enjoy herself at a party. (Mom accuses me of that alot, of being a big-ass stick-in-the-mud at parties, but the only parties I've ever been to were family ones, and those people are boring...) I don't how it happens sometimes, but it's always a fucking miracle to me that I end up with friends in the first place. Especially since they are always more enthusiastic, lively, and cheerful than I ever am. Or will be. I forget where I'm going with this. Oh well, it looks like I'm done with this topic for now. Maybe next time, Pam will remind me of lesbians and then I can talk about how one of my students asked me the rudest question since 'Where's the beef?' Or something like that...  Why, thank you Heero. No, I don't care that it's belated. I'm happy just the same. The Past - Guestbook - The Future, Too |